Rajesh Vakharia

Rajesh Vakharia

There are 500,000 marriages are breaking every year. This number may look small compared to a total population of 125 crores. However when we compared this number with 85 lakh marriages per year, the marriage breakdown rate is almost 7%.

One time alimony payments have become a nightmare for separated young men in India. When a matrimonial dispute reaches courts and police stations, all discussions and coercion is centered around how much alimony a man can give to his estranged spouse during divorce. Mediators in Courts and police stations make the couple go through this monetary negotiation.

It has become a nightmare for thousands of young men facing matrimonial problems as huge amounts of alimony are expected out of them.

For example, a typical software Engineer earning Rupees 10 lakhs per annum is expected to pay a one time alimony of 50 lakhs to 70 lakhs. The estranged wife, her parents, the mediators at court and police stations coerce the man to cough up such big amounts.

It is common practice during mediations in courts and police stations to coerce young men to pay 5 to 7 years of their total income as alimony. Mediators try to convince the man that he should pay up to avoid facing prolonged litigation and criminal cases of section 498a.

So, the inability of the man to arrange for such a huge amount of money only makes his situation worse. Men and even their old parents are forced to attend these mediation sessions every month in the name of marital counseling or investigation. Refusing to attend such hostile sessions is treated as lack of cooperation or contempt on the part of the man and his parents.

When a man refuses to pay such huge sums as alimony, first information report (FIR) under section 498a or dowry law are filed. The man, his parents and even his siblings are made to run around courts for years like criminals. Courts only lament about such false cases, but they rarely punish anyone for filing false cases.

Section 498a is used as a tool to extort huge sums of alimony from young husbands. This is why the misuse of this law is so widespread.

While, it is common belief that if an educated young couple decide to separate due to any reason, there will not be any alimony. However the ground realities are something entirely different. In India, the courts expect men to pay huge alimonies even when their wives are working in MNCs and earn very good salary.

Today,  matrimonial litigation between a couple does not remain limited to one court. Due to our complicated laws and inefficient legal system, one matrimonial problem is handled by 4 to 6 courts.

So, a young man and his parents facing matrimonial problems have to run around 4 to 6 courts over a period of 5 to 6 years. The system does not give them much choice. Either they can cough up huge sums of money as alimony for a settlement and divorce or they have to run around courts.

This dire situation has forced thousands of young men to commit suicide.

SIFF demands the Government and Courts to simplify the process and urges them to stop human rights violations in the name of counseling and reconcilliation.

The demands are as follows:

• Government and Courts must investigate the alimony scam that is so prevalent today.
• Serious action has to be taken against police and court mediators, who are using counseling as an excuse to threaten and coerce men to cough up money.
• Matters related to alimony have to be only handled by a family court and no other agency must be allowed to get involved in this process.
• Courts must make guidelines for deciding alimony based on duration of marriage.
• One time alimony must not be more than half of the savings of a man for the duration of the marriage.
• There must be punishment and fine for people who file false cases of Section 498a.

Today, this alimony scam has become 10 times worse than the dowry problem and if this scam continues, soon people will lose all the trust on police and the court system. Once strict action is taken to stop this illegal practice of threatening people to make them cough up huge sums as alimony, it will automatically reduce the practice of misuse of various matrimonial laws.

Rajesh Vakharia

All over India, people are celebrating Movember to create awareness about Men’s Health and well being are being conducted all over India this month. Men grow mustaches during this month to create this awareness.

November 19 is also International Men’s Day, which was first celebrated in the year 1999. Today, people in more than 90 countries all over the world are celebrating International Men’s Day and it is spreading to more countries.

Just like last year, this year also many companies and businesses are expected to provide discounts and special offers on the eve of International Men’s day.

Members of Save Indian Family Foundation (SIFF), which focuses on men’s issues and well being has urged the members of parliament to allocate couple of hours on Tuesday 21st November to discuss issues related to Men and Boys.

In fact, since last couple of years the Parliament of United Kingdom (UK) is allocated one day for discussion on issues of men and boys, after MP Philip Davies demanded it. The same is followed this year also.

The important issues related to men and boys are:

1. The emotional well being of men and boys.
2. Issues of high suicide rates of men
3. High Workplace accident deaths of men.
4. Men’s physical and mental health issues
5. Protection of men from domestic violence and rape. In India, the laws do not protect men from domestic violence and rape.
6. High rate of child labor involving boys in India.
7. Shared parenting and focus on separated men’s relationship with their children.
8. Equal laws for men and women in the domain of family and sexual violence.9. Starting of Male studies and masculinity studies courses in Universities.

Without involving men and their issues, any real progress on different social challenges and women’s issues cannot be made. There are an estimated 3 crore male victims of domestic violence in India and they want to seek any protection or help from the Courts and Police. Many of these men are even threatened and arrested by police, if they try to seek help. Most male victims of domestic violence experience trauma and depression. Many also commit suicide.

With almost 7% of all marriages leading to separation, many men lose access to their own children after separation. If we need to have a better society, it is important to discuss all issues instead of just focusing on women’s issues and excluding men from any discussion.

It has to be noted that though most rich and powerful people in our country are men, but this power is not shared with rest 99% of ordinary men.

Every year, almost 100,000 men and boys commit suicide and out of these victim about 65,000 are married men. Most often the counselors, therapists and suicide prevention helplines are not effective enough to stop these suicides.

The companies also need to pitch in and do their part for well being of male employees. Most men do not share their problems because there is very little listening space for men, who are in a vulnerable state facing marital problems or litigation etc.

Companies have to realize that focusing a bit on men’s issues will improve their bottom line. It is estimated that productivity of almost 7% to 9% of male employees in public and private sector gets impacted due to marital, relationship or family problems. So, any focus on educating these men can not only help these men, prevent suicides, but also this will improve the company bottom line.

Rajesh Vakharia

In most countries in the world, the laws against domestic violence provide protection to both men and women. Men can also seek restraining orders from courts, which restrain the abusive partner or wife from perpetrating abuse and even contacting the victim. However, in India family violence against men is almost legal as there is no provision in any law to protect a man, who faces violence from wife or other female family members.

This is situation is mainly due to the patriarchal thinking in the society, that men are stronger than women and they can defend themselves with physical force. It time, India keeps pace with the rest of the world and makes the laws against domestic violence gender neutral.

Since last 11 years, Save Indian Family Foundation (SIFF) has hundreds of volunteers all over India, who counsel male victims of domestic violence.

According to Anil Kumar, a Co-Founder of SIFF, “We are talking with a couple of MPs to submit a private member bill in the parliament to start the steps towards enacting a law for protection of men from domestic violence. This is long overdue. The number of male victims of domestic violence in India are more than entire population of Australia. The country must give protection to vulnerable people irrespective of gender.”

“Most abused men do not run away from their abusers or apply for divorce, because they are either afraid of losing access to their children or they are afraid of getting implicated in false cases of dowry harassment.” He says.

In 2004, the National Family Health Survey (NFHS) has found that about 1.8% or an estimated 60 lakh women have perpetrated physical violence against husbands without any provocation. However, men are more likely to be threatened and attacked by male relatives of the wife than the wife herself.

When physical violence and threats against men by wife’s relatives are taken into account, an estimated 3 crore men are facing domestic violence in India.

As there is a lot of social stigma towards men abused by women, most of the male victims do not come out in open and do not share their ordeal with family, friends or colleagues. Male victims of domestic violence are ridiculed and considered as unmanly. Such thinking is chauvinistic and it is harmful.

The various types of family violence that men face include:

• Physical violence like slapping, pushing, hitting by wife, her parents or relatives.
• Wife threatening suicide to intimidate and control the husband.
• Verbal abuse if husband remains in contact with his parents or comes home late from work.
• Throwing objects like utensils, cell phones and crockery at the husband.
• Abuse gets worse if husband avoids sex after a day of violence or threats.
• Subjecting husband to violence like scratching and hitting him if he used contraceptives.
• Threatening to create a ruckus in the neighborhood and threatening to jail him in false cases.

“Today, many women have serious anger management issues. They also seem to bring the stress of the workplace to the home. This is one of the main reasons of domestic violence against men. The other reasons include intolerance and anger at non-fulfillment of expectations. Sometimes, inability of husband to meet monetary demands of wife also leads to abuse and violence.” Says Roopenshu Singh, head of SIFF at Delhi, which runs unique crisis centers from abused men in Delhi, Bangalore and Hyderabad.

“Male victims of family violence go through low self esteem and their performance at workplace suffers. Thousands of such men are approaching psychiatrists, who are not of much help, when a law to provide protection to men and restraint the women does not exist.” He says.

Most parents of women blame the son-in-law for the breakdown of the marriage, without accepting that their daughter is abusive or she has serious anger management issues. They somehow think their daughter can never be wrong and expect the son-in-law to tolerate her. Then, they get violent at son-in-law to teach him a lesson or seek revenge.

Police rarely accept any complaints filed by husband about the violence he is suffering, claiming that this is a family issue. They also refuse to provide any protection to the man.

Save Indian Family Foundation

In a sad incident, on Thursday Buxar district magistrate IAS officer Mukesh Pandey committed suicide near Ghaziabad Railway station. He was only 29. In a recorded video, he mentioned his marital problems and the fights between his wife and his parents. This stress must have taken a toll on him. He has a 3-month-old daughter.

[themify_quote]“My parents and wife have a constant tussle. Their fight has made my life difficult. They love me a lot, but the excess of everything is bad,” he said in the five-minute long video.[/themify_quote]

We are organising a Candle Light March at Jantar Mantar (New Delhi) at 5:30 pm on Sunday, 13, August 2017 to condole the death of Mukesh Pandey IAS.

We wish he had called SIFF or any other men’s support group. At least, he could have shared his problems with a friend, and through him, he could have approached us. He could have called us anonymously or joined our Whatsapp groups.

Though Government does not provide any help lines for distressed men, every year more than 15,000 men reach out to men’s support groups, and they are counselled by volunteers.

Almost 50% of young men who approach men’s support groups have contemplated suicide because of marital problems or problems in managing conflicts between parents and wife.

Every year, about 22000 men are committing suicide due to family reasons though many psychologists tend to dismiss this and claim that more men commit suicide due to poverty or economic reasons. This has reduced the focus on suicide prevention for men.

In cases like Mukesh Pandey, the social expectation is, the men must control his emotions by being brave. No man decides to commit suicide without careful thought. There is a denial of the emotional pain of men in our society. We believe men do not feel the pain when they are facing marital problems or are dragged to a conflict between parents and wife.

Rajesh Vakharia

Deepika Padukone’s video #MyChoice has created a massive controversy and it has drawn flak even as it divided the people everywhere. It has got almost 4 million views in Youtube and has about 30,000 likes and some 15000 dislikes till now.

However, men’s rights activists of Save Indian Family Foundation (SIFF) are not very critical of this video, because they feel Deepika Padukone has echoed the sentiments of lakhs of young women in India today. These women want all the choices for themselves, while expecting their husbands and partners to fulfill all the duties. Today’s men are much more empathetic and caring than their fathers and grandfathers, but that is not just enough for these women. They want all choices and rights, while duties and responsibilities fall on the table of the husband and in-laws.

For example, a woman changing her plans and returning home in a cab at 4am after the party is considered none of a man’s business. But the same woman and her family will term a husband uncaring and irresponsible, if he sleeps peacefully switching off his cell phone. 

“Deepika Padukone has shown real face of feminism today. We should be thankful to her. It has also shown that there is an element of anarchy in feminism. Lakhs of urban women are following this brand of feminism believing that as women they are entitled to all privileges and choices, with no responsibilities.” Says Jyoti Tiwari, spokesperson of SIFF. She says, “The traditionalists running our Judiciary should wake up to this reality in urban India instead of habitually putting all the blame on men, when a marriage breaks. The family courts also should not bother about saving marriages as many young people getting married today have absolutely no understanding of the institution itself. It’s important that the courts put some sense of responsibility as well on these women.”

“Feminism has dumped the principles of gender equality long ago and the new wave of feminism is all about blaming men and masculinity and treating men as enemies of women. Feminists are pushing for policies and laws to establish entitlements and privileges for women at the expense of men. So, they should stop expecting men to partner in women’s issues, because it is ridiculous.” She says.

According to Rajesh Vakharia, President of SIFF, “In fact, after every incident of crimes against women, we see the feminist rhetoric about how they should consider men as partners than adversaries. Recently, Farhan Akhtar and others started United Nation’s #HeForShe campaign in India to make men and boys campaign for feminist issues. However, the same United Nations refuses any programs for protection for men facing domestic violence or human rights violations due to false cases of rape or dowry harassment.”

“It is ridiculous if one expects ordinary men to partner in something, which inherently degrades men and harms their interests. Farhan Akhtar’s wife and sister were among 99 other women in the #MyChoice Video. You cannot degrade a section of population and then expect them to partner you. This is absurd.” He says.

Men Choosing to Go Their Own Way As the controversy rages on, a video about choices of males was published and it also became viral. What is not known is that many men have already started following #MyChoice. In fact, what Deepika Padukone, Zoya Akhtar, Homi Adajania and their team do not realize is that, a large section of men’s rights advocates already call themselves as “MGTOW” or “Men Going Their Own Way.” 

These men believe in all the choices for men and they believe in living a life in their own terms and they are clear that they will neither marry nor have any committed relationship with any woman. 

The number of such MGTOWs are almost 100,000 in India and these numbers are growing fast. In a way, they are following most of these things that Deepika Padukone mentioned about women in her video. Being free from a relationship means, they also have all the freedom and choices. These men are saying,“My money, my choice. My Bungalow, my choice. My holiday trips, my choice.” 

Jyoti Tiwari says, “I was amused, when I got to know that all these men enthusiastically went to watch the Bollywood movie “Queen”, because they could relate to Kangana Ranaut’s character and just like her they have dumped the traditions, parental pressures to get married and instead got a life of choices.”

These men do not seek any intimacy or togetherness with any woman. They feel, the gender relationships in urban India are not longer about both sexes complementing one another, but it is all about competition and war of egos. They have almost lost trust with judiciary and family courts. So, they just choose to walk away. They think, the whole baggage that comes with a modern woman is too complex and too costly to bear financially and legally, if the relationship does not work out.

MGTOW movement is global. Its adherents neither trust feminists nor the traditionalists. They believe feminists are making life very complicated for men, while the traditionalists in family court system and judiciary are tying the men down, expecting men to fulfill traditional roles. For them, being not married to a woman means no responsibilities, no risks of domestic  abuse, no risks of false cases and there will be no emotional pain of being separated from children, if there is a marriage breakdown.